you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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