I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
