when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
