onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
