at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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