Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
