Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
