words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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