Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
