Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
