I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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