dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
