I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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