I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there's paper in my vomit.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
