Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
