I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
