I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
