Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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