Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
