does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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