I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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