I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
