my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i came on her dog
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
