Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
did i just pee glitter
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
