I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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