I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
