my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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