Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
