Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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