what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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