Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
