is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
