Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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