Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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