someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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