never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
