I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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