I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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