Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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