JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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