in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
