Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
