I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
