and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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