one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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