Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Boobs are out for the taking
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
