Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
