my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
