I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
