i wish my penis had a tongue
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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