I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
