i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
