dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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